If adoption is not the right answer then…?
July 4th, 2010 | 
Author: I posted a question about the adoption of newborns a few days ago. I indicated that I am going to put my baby up for adoption when he/she is born and a lot of people got really mad. They acted like its what I wanted to do, like I was a horrible person. The thing is, I do want to keep my baby. I always did. The first week I knew I was pregnant I made an appointment with a Ob-gyn. I told my gyno I was considering adoption (my bf wanted me to since I wouldn’t abort) and she told me of a Christian, financially stable family who she knew personally. They were desperate for a child. I told her that I would consider it. By the next week she told me how excited the family was. They had called her a day before my appointment because they just couldn’t wait to see if my baby had a heartbeat and wanted to know if I was still considering it. I said yes. Now I feel obligated to do this. I don’t know how I could keep it. Im a student and $18,000 in debt because of my student loans. If I don’t go back to school soon Im going to have to start paying it back without a degree. Compile this with the problem that my family is not supportive, nor is the baby’s dad. I need to stay on my dad’s insurance so that the birth of this baby is paid for (yes his insurance covers this) but because Im a dependent on him, I don’t qualify for financial aid. Sure I can work, but when the baby comes I’d have to pay for daycare while Im at work, which isn’t covered by any minimum wage job. My parents took away everything, my apartment, my car, and all help. This is why Im choosing adoption. Everyone seemed to hate me for it but what am I supposed to do? Im living with my bf in an apartment that Im not even supposed to be in because Im not on the lease. Im 800 miles away from my family and they hate me anyway. This potential adoptive family is so excited. They even told me their names. I think it would be cruel to keep my baby. How would I be able to keep this baby? You all seem to think Im making the wrong decision so any ideas? Ive applied for so many jobs down here, but without a degree nothing seems to pay enough.
Thanks for all the answers. I will be changing doctors and my number. I didnt realize she violated any rule, the way I saw it I assumed she was just trying to help but now I feel uncomfotable even going for regular check ups at her office. I just want out of this mess now. I want to keep my baby and Im thinking about going to my BFs parents for help. Thanks so much for all the advice. I had no idea of all the aid available. As for best answer, they are almost all good. Im going to let you guys vote that out. Please vote fairly and not just for your own unless yours is honestly the best. THANK YOU ALL.
Some thoughts:
–You doctor should be reported to the AMA for violating HIPPA regulations. You also need a new doctor asap.
–Time to declare independence from mom & dad. Being on their insurance is costing you $. You ought to get on Medicaid and WIC asap. If thousands of immigrants do this daily, why not you? Our neighbors to the South don’t give up kids—why should we? Then your medical will be paid for and you’ll qualify for financial aid instead of those loans.
–Doesn’t matter what the boyfriend wants—he’s on the hook. You need to call your parents (and his) and let them know that you will be keeping their grandchild and you could use all the help you could get. If they don’t help, tell them you’ll be calling other relatives and friends to ask for help. I think it’s pretty disgusting that your parents write you off on their taxes (that’s why you can’t get aid) but refuse to help.
–There are places where you can work AND get free daycare—preschools, universities.
Once you put your mind to doing the right thing—opportunities will fall into place. Luck meets ACTION and resolve and you and your child will be just fine.
These “Christians” need to take a hike. If you decide to raise your own child, just tell them to stop harassing you. To them your child is just a baby—they’ll get another. This baby is NOT replaceable to you.
Trust me, I have a mother (whom I’ve been reunited with for over 20 years) who has never gotten over losing her only child—me. You’ll get a college degree eventually. Might take a year or two longer, but it will certainly be a hollow victory if your beautiful baby is being raised by strangers.
I so wish I had been raised by my own Mama.
Posted in Christian Debt Financial
to hell with what anyone on here says its YOUR choice would they rather u bring a baby in this world and NOT be able to support it? or would they rather it goes with a family that can? dont listen to them they r probly just jesus freaks that have nothing better to do then stand outside of clinics and harass women or they just do it online. the decision is up to you
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I was put up for adoption at birth like your planning to do with your child. Its totally fine, you should go with it. Make sure you pick a good family though, one that will really take care of your child. that looks like they wont have issues with money or family problems later in life. its really hard to give up your kid and hard to know which family is right. My real parents had to give me up because they couldnt afford a child. Btw, i have no intenten on ever going to meet my parents like ever, its not like i hate them for giving me up, i have no feelings towards them at all. I dont even know them. But my brother who is blood related to me really wants to meet them. Just letting you know.
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I think we are somewhat in the same boat. but keep a couple things in mind.
1) If you put your mind to it you can do anything. Most colleges have daycares now-a-days and yes your days would be very long ut it is possible.
2) Your doctor shouldn’t have told the parents unless you were ready. You should have been able to meet the parents and see if they are the kind of parents you would like the baby to have!
3) make sure you get a lawer. nuf said.
4) Adoption is very hard but, if you feel that it is best but just want to be a part of the childs life then go for an open adoption. The child would still be in the other families custody and they would be the "parents" to the child but you can still have a part of it’s life. Be there for every birthday and christmas and every game if you both felt comfortable.
Just a few ideas. Hope this helps
if you need someone to talk to my YIM id is…. girlpower4611
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You are under NO obligation to give your baby to that couple. And even if you decide to give your baby up for adoption, you should go through a reputable agency. Your Ob violated the law when she gave information to that couple! She has violated your confidentiality, and you need to find another doctor. She was not supposed to give any of your medical information to anyone else, which is what she did.
If you want to keep your baby, you should. You will find a way to make it work. Your boyfriend MUST pay child support. And once the baby is born, if you are over 18, you can apply for financial aid, and tell you father he can no longer claim you as a dependent. You lose the insurance, but you can get Medicaid for the baby. Try a resource such as Agape. They can hook you up to resources to help you keep your child.
If you really do not want to parent, you need to be honest with yourself and not be influenced by what anyone else has to say. It’s none of their busienss. You have to make the right decision for yourself and your baby. If that is your decision, find a reputable agency. Maybe your new Ob could recommend one, or Agape can.
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The only one that can really make this decision is you. You seem to be taking responsibility in a tough situation. You are taking time to think this over carefully. That baby is completely dependent on you at this point. You just have to consider what’s the most important. You don’t have to be rich to raise a baby but if you feel that it’s impossible the adoption is also a possibility. Many people choose an abortion which is so sad. They created a new life and then kill it. Yes as soon as the baby is conceived it is alive. I’m am so proud of you for taking care to preserve that precious little life within you. You have to consider what is best for the child. Don’t let all these people discourage you one way or the other. There isn’t really a right or wrong answer. It’s what you feel is best. There is nothing wrong with adoption. There are many loving couples dieing for the chance to raise a baby. Then there is nothing wrong to raise him/her yourself. You have to decide what is right for you. Good Luck with your decision. You’re in my prayers.
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Wwwwwhat? Did you say that your Ob-gyn. set you up with a pap? F*ck me. Looks like Dr. Crab is in the business of selling/buying babies… barf.
People reacted to your (earlier) post because they were in your shoes once. They have lived through the consequences of their decisions/coercion – and, they give a shit.
Wake up! Your Ob-gyn. doesn’t give a shit even though he knows what will happen to both you and your baby emotionally post surrender. The pap’s don’t give a shit either. They want your kid.
But get sucked in to all the promises, financial aid, and thank-you’s the pap’s and Ob-gyn. will say/do if you think they are on your side.
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The important thing is: what do you want.
It sounds like you still really want your baby, and you feel that you are being pushed to give up your child. The couple may be excited about your baby, but this is still your child, and you may be surprised at the depth of love and anguish you will feel when you hand your child over…if you do.
Your family may also change their minds after the child is born. Parents become grandparents and then they suddenly realize that this is their grandbaby, and they step up.
What does bf want? Is he supportive? He is obligated to support his child by law…
I don’t think anyone here "hates" you. People here have lost children and parents through adoption and that is why they react so strongly. They have felt the same pain, and they don’t want to see someone else go through it.
Whatever you do, don’t sign any surrender or adoption papers or ‘agreements" before the baby is born.
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This is why pre-birth matching is WRONG. You are NOT obligated to give that couple YOUR baby, no matter how excited they are.
You neverk now if those ppl will always be happily married or even financialy stable.
There are ways you can keep your baby..You owe your baby a life with you…
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Change Ob-gyn doctors. Yours is unethical. Very, very unethical. You couldn’t be more vunerable than with your legs up in stirrups.
The excited christian parents are unethical. They should not be circling your leaky boat at this time. I don’t care if they are excited. They need to check themselves.
Your parents who took everything away from you? They should not have to sponsor you in college with a sweet setup, but they should support your pregnancy and keep the baby in the family.
What you need is sanctuary for the first five years of your child’s life. A nurturing environment that helps you parent and keep your child.
Somewhere safe to live, that is priced to be in a minimum wage’s budget.
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You DO have a choice and don’t feel obligated to surrender just because a "nice, Christian couple" want to adopt your baby. To be quite honest with you it sounds like the people around you plus your family have done a good job of using coercive tactics on you. I actually think other people are being cruel – nor do I hate you btw – by their actions so that now you seem to have convinced yourself that adoption is best.
You state that you want to keep your baby then do it as that’s what’s best for both of you. Tell your boyfriend to get his act together and be a father to his baby which includes supporting BOTH you and baby. If he doesn’t then get advice on how to get him to financially support HIS baby. In this day and age you should be supported in your choice to be a mother instead of "persuading" you to surrender just because you’re poor. Stand up for your rights as an expectant mother.
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Some thoughts:
–You doctor should be reported to the AMA for violating HIPPA regulations. You also need a new doctor asap.
–Time to declare independence from mom & dad. Being on their insurance is costing you $. You ought to get on Medicaid and WIC asap. If thousands of immigrants do this daily, why not you? Our neighbors to the South don’t give up kids—why should we? Then your medical will be paid for and you’ll qualify for financial aid instead of those loans.
–Doesn’t matter what the boyfriend wants—he’s on the hook. You need to call your parents (and his) and let them know that you will be keeping their grandchild and you could use all the help you could get. If they don’t help, tell them you’ll be calling other relatives and friends to ask for help. I think it’s pretty disgusting that your parents write you off on their taxes (that’s why you can’t get aid) but refuse to help.
–There are places where you can work AND get free daycare—preschools, universities.
Once you put your mind to doing the right thing—opportunities will fall into place. Luck meets ACTION and resolve and you and your child will be just fine.
These “Christians” need to take a hike. If you decide to raise your own child, just tell them to stop harassing you. To them your child is just a baby—they’ll get another. This baby is NOT replaceable to you.
Trust me, I have a mother (whom I’ve been reunited with for over 20 years) who has never gotten over losing her only child—me. You’ll get a college degree eventually. Might take a year or two longer, but it will certainly be a hollow victory if your beautiful baby is being raised by strangers.
I so wish I had been raised by my own Mama.
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Adoption is a preventable disorder
Diane- I think you ARE thinking of your baby, and with the way economy is you don’t want the baby to go through ANY hardship. And I commend you on that.
I WISH my child would have done the same, going on child 3, with no job, no money, and CONSTANTLY depends on me for EVERYTHING!!! Always asking for money to buy drugs and what ever other BS she can come up with to get some money out of me.It’s not right!!!
THERE ARE SEVERAL DIFFERENT OPTIONS AVAILABLE ON ADOPTION, WHERE YOU CAN VISIT WITH THE CHILD WRITE HIM/HER AND VICE VERSA.
Don’t shut the child out- is what I ‘m saying.
And your BOYFRIEND wanting you to abort. HELLO who’s body is this? Is he supporting you . HE IS THINKING OF HIM AND NOT YOU !!! Bottom-line.
Sometime, it’s take a really rotten experience an overflow of guilt, before people can clearly open their eyes and see someone for what their worth!!!!
IF YOU DON’T want to give it up for adoption- YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION, but don’t sit there crying AFTER you signed paperwork, wishing you hadn’t.
Especially since the damage is done( and I truly mean that in a nice way with all due respect) so now your family is just in a split second going tolike you and give you all the things you had before. Maybe your just not ready to be a mom—?
Because it’s quite confussing to you how you CAN make the decison in letting your boyfriend tell you what to do, But you cant stand up to make the right decison for you , on your own- I’am NOT here to judge. who am I
Soley to give my opinion
And by the way Jennifer D- is right with regard to your privacy- CHANGE doctors so you dont feel so pressured. I imagine you feel this way, cause this is your doctor.But Your right are protected and Jennifer id right, she violated that.
There is help out there.
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If you would really like to sek an alternative to adoption I help run a forum for just that. We can help you make a parenting plan, find ways to overcome parenting obstacles and find resources for yourself and your baby.
http://connections-usa.org/
http://connections-usa.org/forum
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Sunny’s recommendations are excellent. I understand you feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I would be completely overwhelmed in your position as well. I don’t have any more practical advice for jobs, insurance, medical coverage, etc. that you haven’t already gotten. I DO think there are ways you can keep your baby since that’s what you want to do. I just wanted to give you my support and say I’m thinking of you and your difficult situation. I also wanted to say, and I’m say this as an adoptive parent. . . Whatever circumstances weigh into your decision, the prospective adoptive parents feelings should NOT be a factor in this decision. The ONLY things you should think about are what is best for you and for your child. And if there is any way you can do it, and I think there is, I think YOU are best for your child, and keeping your child is best for you. Don’t feel attacked by people who are "mad" at you for considering adoption. Just ignore their judgments. But, there are a lot of people who have seen a lot of adoption situations and don’t want you to live a lifetime of regrets and are genuinely trying to help you keep your baby. Hang in there. Best wishes to you and your baby.
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If your dad is a doucher to you anyways, get off his insurance and sign up for Medicaid. You can use it during your pregnancy and the baby will continue to be covered under it once it’s born. I’m on Medicaid for my pregnancy and I was able to pick a practitioner I loved. You should find a new OB anyways because yours is in SERIOUS ethics violation. Get on WIC and regular food stamps-those programs exist for a reason and just because you never imagined you need to take advantage of them doesn’t mean you should feel ashamed if you have to.
I sympathize with your situation about student loans with no way to pay back, but I have to be honest and say $18,000 dollars in the hole is a joke and on the low end of student debt loads these days. I’m closer to $100,000 after a master’s degree and I too am looking for work while pregnant. Once you financially sever your ties with your dad, you will be eligible for more financial aid, especially with a child. Do not let that amount of student debt deter you from such a big decision-especially if it’s federal loan debt. They have made several new programs to help you pay back loans in recent years that will ensure you are not giving up too much of your income to debt once you are graduated.
Switching OBs & cutting off contact with your unethical one should be your first step. Once the baby is born, you can probably find housing on campus as well as subsidized daycare programs. I don’t have the personal experience with adoption that most people in this section do but I can tell you, your situation DOES give you plenty of outs. If you want to keep your baby, do it- I promise you neither one of you will starve and if you’re flexible, you will graduate college. It’s not your job as a healthy young woman to be a baby factory for others and being young and poor doesn’t mean you won’t be an excellent parent. A baby doesn’t give a rat’s ass if its stroller was 500 dollars from a fancy boutique or used from Craigslist. Everything about your story screams "COERCION" and your situation enrages me. Please look into all the alternatives.
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I don’t know what the right answer for you is. I do think there are situations where adoption is the best choice but I don’t know if yours is one of those. I also think there are mothers who do a good job raising their children despite enormous challenges, and there are some resources and supports listed here that you could explore that might help you. You shouldn’t let anyone pressure you into anything.
One thing I feel absolutely sure of is that you are under no obligation to the couple that want to adopt, and their feelings should not influence your decision. If you do it, it should be because you sincerely feel it is the best thing for you and your baby, not for any other reason. You don’t owe them anything.
Had you promised them, you have the right to change your mind, and you haven’t even promised them, you just said you’d consider it. So take them out of your decision process altogether.
I also think your doctor was out of line.
Breathe deeply and take your time to consider all your options.
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It sounds like you’ve made your decision, & you feel like it’s the best choice for you. You don’t have to justify your reasons to anyone. Don’t let the opinions of a bunch of strangers on the Internet make you feel bad about it. Don’t listen to them, listen to your heart. I’d encourage you to talk to a counselor to help you sort out your feelings.
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Just do what you think is right FOR YOU.
That’s all that counts.
The "deal" thru your OB/GYN is illegal. Walk away from it, adoption has to be formal and go according to State requirements – if they will do that then go ahead.
Ignore the haters.
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You can get medicaid for your medical bills, WIC to help with food for the baby, assistance with child care so you can continue schooling, even help from the campus with family housing. Financial problems are no excuse. I know they are overwelming…believe me I know, but I hate hate hate when people say they want to keep their children but let a roadblock completely stop them.
I was kicked out at 17. No car, no money, no job, no education. And I got pregnant…and I did let the roadblocks stop me. and I would do anything I could do have my daughter with me right now. Instead of fighting like hell and doing everything I could to make what I wanted happen…I fell into a "well there’s nothing I can do" slump. and I wish that I had fought like hell…
You do not owe this couple your baby…you don’t owe them anything. Make the best decision for you and your baby.
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I think it is incredibly ethically wrong for a doctor, nurse to take any stance or providing advice on adoption or not to adopt. That sucks. They are there to take care of the patient’s physical and psychological needs…not to provide anyone an unborn child or put express an opinion about adoption either way. Did you giver her permission to disclose info? I think you are NO way obligated to say crap to these people and I would request to your doctor no further information should be disclosed or discussed unless you bring it up.
We (I mean collectively our daughter’s mother and us) learned when we went to the hospital that both nurses and doctors were very free with their opinions in about keeping, giving up…there were personal details about the mother discussed with us that should NEVER have been disclosed. We got the "your daughter is lucky she’s being given up" and we had one nurse tell our daughters mother that she reports 100% of adoptions to the state as coercive since she didn’t believe in adoption–she had worked up our daughters mother into such an emotional state she was frantic to leave the hospital and would panic when she knew that particular nurse was coming back to her room. She asked me to stay in the room with her so she wouldn’t be alone with her.
It is NOT cruel to keep your baby. It is cruel for someone to put you in this position-this darned doctor to start with.
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i dont know how you feel but i can sort of understand. if you really want to keep your baby than keep it. but ask your family for help so you dont have to pay for daycare. if they refuse then thats a little wierd because that may be the only way you can keep the baby. or if you decide for adoption ask for an open adoption so you can still see your child and have a relationship with your baby.
-gomezjess@hotmail.com
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You’ve got excellent advice here and I agree with everyone but Marnie. Had she read your comment carefully, she would see that it is obvious that you do not want to give your baby away but feel backed into a corner.
Here’s an idea – In addition to reporting the doctor for violating HIPAA,The Hippocratic Oath and the fact that he has breached his duty to uphold doctor patient confidentiality; I suggest you contact a malpractice attorney and threaten to sue this guy – maybe he would settle with you in a way to give you and your child some financial security AND pay off your student loan. If you need any of us to help you with the language to make the attorney understand that this doctor is using coercive tactics to guilt trip you out of your child and probably human trafficking; feel free to ask.
Good luck! I’m really glad you want to keep your baby and looking for ways to do so!
http://medicalmalpracticelawblog.com/2009/03/17/breach-of-doctorpatient-confidentiality/
I’d sure look into it and take any action you have to against him in addition to following all the other good advice here.
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Wow. I don’t have much to add that hasn’t already been said, but I am BEGGING you to report this doctor. Seriously. I’m begging.
Keep your baby. Give up the doctor.
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Foster/Adoptive Mom of 2 siblings
Wow, your parents have done all that to you? Their own child? I would ask them how they feel about throwing away the chance to know their own grandchild. Seriously, I do not get parents who don’t step up and support their family when they need it most. Isn’t that what family is SUPPOSED to do?
I am so sorry you are being put in this position. Basically you are being coerced by circumstances and other people to give up your own child which is incredibly wrong. While no one will ever tell you, there are other options… and whilst parenting is hard work, I can see you are going to be a mess if you give this child up. It will ruin your life, kiss the next ten-twenty years good-bye. How do I know this will be hard for you? Because you have pretty much indicated this in your question. You are screaming for a way out and it is so sad to see this.
Cruel to KEEP your baby? Your own child who knows only you? Who is bonded to you and will be bewildered by the fact you just suddenly up and left them? I would say it would be cruel to walk away from him/her. Where there is a will there is a way. Make sure you visit the site Aislin suggested:
http://www.connections-usa.org/
Sending much love in this trial,
Myst xxx
PS. As others have said, this dr you have is despicable and needs to be reported to the proper authorities because he is soliciting a baby from you.
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Just dropping in to say congratulations on fighting for your kid.
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Abandoned early 1973. Reunited late 2009.